Monday, 15 September 2014

He's Just Not That Into You!

Have you ever met a guy,(or a babe,but lets go with guys as per the topic) and liked him so much the minute you met him?
He's just what you have always wanted, all you have ever fantasized and dreamed about.
He could be dark, tall, short, lean, bulky,muscular, and gorgeous,mysterious, may be rich or just ok, kind, treats women well, loves God etc.
Photo Source
 Basically, he ticks all your boxes.

His smile is to die for.
You already fantasize about being his wife and having his kids.
He is perfect for you and  loves the same thing you do.
Except You.

Yep! For some weird inexplicable reason, He just isn't really feeling you.
 Has that ever happened to you or anyone you know?
The guy may even have been the one to make  the first move oh. And the babe is already happy that Mr Right decided to stop taking the 'molues' that made him arrive so late and finally arrived.
She starts dreaming about him and the unthinkable happens?
He stops calling or worse doesn't pick her calls.

Some guys have the courage to tell her upfront that they aren't feeling her, but most of them say it through their actions. They don't tell the babe and she starts wondering......
"What did i do"?
"Is he gay? "Does he think i am ugly? "Are my boobs too small? "Was it the chicken bones i crushed to pieces on our date" or " is it cos i told him i have had lots of lovers". lmao.
Nothing oh.... The bobo no just feel am..
 "Hearing the words 'he's not that into you' are painful because it's like 'what's wrong with me?'" says pyscho analyst Gail Saltz MD. But, Saltz notes, it's not always that simple. "Sometimes there is something going on that is not about you," she says.
Basically, the guy no just feel the babe, and its nothing she did. She might be the most gorgeous, lovable, creamiest chick, but he just isn't feeling her.

However it doesn't only happen in first date instances oh.
It also happens in relationships.
Now the guy might want sex, and so might maintain the semblance of dating. That is the babe is the only one in the relationship. She basically does the work, and the guy gets to have sex.
He's always 'busy",Never shows  up on dates, starts dodging the poor babe, sometimes flaunts his other chicks in the hope that she will somehow get the message.
Once in a while he behaves but he still doesn't really like her, or even treat her well.
It doesn't ever end well cos the bobo never really liked her.

Me, i don't waste time.  I might be attracted to you, i might like you a lot, Heck!i may even fantasize. But i won't fall for a guy if he isn't into me.
Even if we are dating and i notice the tiniest, subtlest, change in affection or concentration, me sef just give am space for my mind and the love or whatever i feel just goes small by small.
 There are too many guys around for that  kain thing, abeg.
Although to be fair, that is probably easy cos i have only loved genuinely one and a half times.(One for my ex and half for another ex). Don't ask me how half is possible. I no be mathematician. hehehe

But it used to puzzle me a lot cos it was a regular occurrence with my friends. That is until i came across the book of the above title a few years ago.
Suddenly it made perfect sense. I wanted to send it to all my friends so they would stop coming to cry "what did i dooooooooo?"
 Written by former Sex and the City writer Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, this book debunks many of the myths that women create about men and dating.
The bottom line is that men are not complicated and there are no mixed messages. If he doesn't ask you out, call you soon after a date, or want to come inside with you after a date, then he's just not that into you.
 The book was so hugely popular that it was made into a movie.
Here is one quote from the book.
  “The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.” 

You see there's hardly anything a woman can do when a man just isn't into her. And this goes for men too .
It works both ways.
If it manages to become a relationship, it never works out. The woman does all the work, and is often taken for granted.
The weird thing is that you don't only see this trend at the dating or  relationship level.
 In some instances, marriages do happen, probably the woman traps the guy through pregnancy or some other shenanigans. And even an outsider can see that the man 'Just isn't that into his wife" and you wonder how she missed the signs.
Tomorrow, i am gonna bring you some aptly aweome quotes from the book.
But today, here are some signs when a guy just isn't into you.

 1. He takes forever to text or email you back

2. He maintains physical and emotional distance

3. He never comes over to your house.

4)He avoids touching you in public.  
 Although some guys don't like public affections. so don't go and sack your boyfriend oh just cos he didn't return that kiss you gave him by the road side.

5)He rudely shoots down your ideas.

6)He only sees you after mid night.  
One word! Booty Call. 

7)He wont let you leave things at his house. 
Now who does this remind me of? Hmmmmmmmmmmm?

8)He attends major events without you. 
Yep! Like his parents anniversary party, his sisters wedding, his best friends birthday party.

9)He refuses to make future plans with you. Short term or long term.  
You know the type where you are like 'what are we doing next week' And he mutters" nothing".

10) He flakes out on plans you do have at the last minute.

11)He's already involved with someone else.   
Hmmmm! I kinda have to disagree a little. It all depends on the context. 

12)He pulls a disappearing Act for days,weeks and even months.  
The only excuse a guy has for disappearing is that Boko Haram kidnapped him. And i need evidence.

13)He doesn't seem that interested in intimacy.  
That one na sure sign cos a typical guy always wants sex whether hes serious or not.

14)He encourages you to date other people. 

2. He maintains physical and emotional distanc
He maintains physical and emotional distance
He maintains physical and emotional distan


  1. We women too meet guys and just aren't into them. Just that there is always a reason we can articulate for doing that .its rare for a girl to meet a perfect guy and not like him except he goofs but men do it all the time.Stop calling for no reason at all.

    1. Its a two sided thing. I quite agree.

  2. Thank God for the men who are into us and love us. You rock guys!

    1. Lol. The ones who aren't into you nko?

  3. 1. Mami...lemme say hi HI! sucker did this to me...mami...I almost slept with my phone in my bra....I mean I don't sleep too deep buh I couldn't take the chance of missing his calls or a vibration to my boobs was supposed to do the trick....

    2. **sigh** sucker told me this, 'Niesha I have an emotional attachment to my personal space'....soooo....personal space huh?? personal space when his hands are doing sin-able things to my body right?...One word - Sucker!

    3.- okay this I can forgive...I mean my house at that time would need you to wear a quarantine suit so yeah...let's all stay in our houses and meet up at the car park or if your house is better looking than mine...ofcourse!...

    4.----- hmmmm...lemme see...I think my husband is the only person who grabs my ass in public...I mean that brat!!....**whispering** no worries Harper...Tibsy is still in madddddd love with you.....

    5. ----**screaming** mami....there was this guy that made me feel like an escapee from a mental institution!!!!!...This guy doesn't see anythinggggggg good in anything I say....sometimes he even says, 'I am sure it took alot of energy to say that...conserve energy baby...conserve energy'.....I mean can you imagine?!?!!?....and the worst is the accent?!?!......**sigh** Harper you had better be better than this...

    6. ----I am not gonna say anything bout this cuz I fell for this line, 'Baby, The night is our time cuz then all the crazies of the world have gone to bed'....**screaming** why didn't someone bitchslap me at that time?!?!

    7. ---- **shaking my head** mami...can you believe that the guy at #5 always made sure to pack everythingggggggg....I am saying...even if I have on a weave...he would sweep his bedroom infront of basically he is removing all traces of me ever being there before I even left......**sigh** Harper I need a drawer....bear that in mind....

    8.--- Do clubs count??.....cuz I think when there is a show going on in the club and he leaves without me...that is major!!!!!

    9.----oh is when I knew that that sucker had no futuristic plan for me...'Erniesha, we need to take it one day at a time....focus on today not tomorrow, not next week, TODAY!'....that guy was going all Luther King on me and I fell...**deep sigh** Harper any plans?

    10. ----Grrrr....All the friggin' time......I think he would have told me he had to throw a baptism party for his dog if I had allowed him...

    11.---mami...let's go with 'some people'...I mean I do know how to count...

    12.---- mami....have you ever been in a case where you heard grandmother's sister's husband's had an accident and my cousin's friend's step brother was out of town to rush him to the hospital so my sister's boyfriend's mechanic was driving by and he saw what happened and he used his boss's guest's nephew's baby's dog to chase me down and get me to send him to hospital located out of town....- Zaaaa my life!!!.....and the guy has this habit of re-arranging his face after saying all that yeah mehn...It happened and it was horrifying...

    13.-- lemme say this....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, ....9.9....9.9.9....9......9....9......................10!....Thanks honey you blew my mind..I will see next week cuz my cousin's brother's friend's dog is having a bar mitzvah party.... (Go figure!)

    14. -- oh I heard this one....'Niesha, you are very intelligent you should be with your peers'....I know that is supposed to sound like a compliment...buh when your peers are people you can't stand....**shaking** WTF kinda compliment is that....

    Mami....Sorry this is long...

  4. Hahaha @sinable things. You always crack me up.
    Phone in bra, how on earth did you manage to sleep?
    Lol @ emotional attachment to personal space. What does that even mean? I love my personal space too but which one is emotional attachment biko?
    And the night was your time cos the crazies went to sleep?
    Smh!That guy must have been such a jerk to have met all the criteria. Haha? I bet your friends all knew he was up to no good and you didn't listen.
    The funniest part is that When it's happening it's like your brain is on freeze.
    Then you look back and are like" what was I thinking believing or tolerating such bullshit".

  5. Madam funmi, permit me to disagree with u on number 13.....where did u drop ur no sexx til after marriage syndrome??

  6. See me see Mr vic oh!
    Let's look at number 13 again? He's just not that into you when he shows no interest in intimacy.
    Really! Oga Vic! You don't want to have sex with a woman you really dig? That means you aren't attracted to her niyen!
    Where on earth is your partner showing NO interest in being intimate with you a good sign? How? Where? In what way?

    And I don't get what you mean by my "no sex till after marriage syndrome".
    I can't remember preaching no sex till after marriage to anybody.

    1. Hehehehe,i don show! "A guy always wants sex any where he goes" *angry mood* ...says who? Tips? No oooo count be out ! Forgotten premarital sex is a sin ni? Y would i try to be intimate with her since she's not my wife yet?

      "Sex after marriage syndrome " is a rhetorical question *winks*

  7. Erhmmm Vic....lemme just say this...there used to be a guy...**looks around to see if we have kids here** okay all clear...Like I was typing...there used to be a guy where my big pillow always had to come in it was time to go to damascus (sorry I am tryna be subtle)....I would 'accidentally' grab the pillow....and 'accidentally' drag the pillow in between us and then 'accidentally' use the pillow to cover his face.......everythingggggggg was done 'accidentally'.......I needed to save myself the ANGUISH of looking the faces he makes so that they don't come back and haunt me at night.....sooooooooo mami...there is a good chance that Vic 'accidentally' uses a pillow to 'accidentally' cover her face.....cuz I don't understand why vic thinks that not showing interest in intimacy is a good thing....

    1. Lol @ time to go to damascus.
      A man who likes you will want to get down. Heck! If he doesn't like you,he will still try. So it's a red flag when a guy isn't interested in intimacy. A born again pastor sef will still get the urge.

    2. Not every guy jare@funmi.@tibs in a Godly relationship?

  8. Me sha I go into the liking thing with my eyes wide open. I look at for the signs that help me decide if to jabo before he does.
    Will I be the one to be left biting finger? I shan't be.
    If a lot of us would be frank with ourselves, we'd walk away b4 the thing turn to story.

  9. I shan't be indeed.hehehe.
    Guys and their wahala.

  10. 14)He encourages you to date other people.....OMG! I will use his balls as ear rings for him....lolz..... I rep ZOE

    1. Toh!You bad gan!
      Your guy better not mess with you.hehehe.
      Thanks for coming by.

  11. lol totally been there and done that, i rememer talking to one dude back in the day and he called while i was in the shower tell me why i almost broke my legs all because i didnt want to miss his call. im sure he enjoyed dangling his affections while i was all puppy eyed .

    1. Thank God for unbroken legs oh.The stories we women have ehn! They can fill pages.
      Thanks for coming by dearie.your post on d boarding school "cutting hair" was so scaringly awesome ehn.

  12. It's heartbreaking when the guy you 'love' does not love you in return. But, that's life, and there is nothing you can do about it, so it's advisable that you move on. Why hold onto someone that does not want to be held?

    1. Its easy to know to move on now ehn but when it's happening it's like you are under a spell and it's that guy or nothing. Lol

  13. #13, maybe he is impotent.
    Walahi you and I are similar. Once I sense a change I break up with you in my mind.
    You know what I hate? The "am busy" line. Walahi I hate that stupid talk!!! Like you're too busy to check up on me but not too busy to come and straff me. Mtschew.
    Tibs I see ya

    1. Abi! Great minds think alike. Na the mind I first do the break up oh. Even if I don't tell him what I have decided. I just separate mentally, the rest won't be difficult.
      1000 likes. They be forming busy but not for sex.

  14. Hey Tibsy, baby. I'm a lot of things but not bulletproof. Cos if u stay over, u ain't going back home! :) Ms. Reese! I have to agree with most of ur list. No. 7 - Hell yeah! U ain't leaving nothing over. Even if I'm into u. Play ur position. No. 8 - If ur parents r African, u'd better keep her away from all family events till u r sure where it's going. My Mum almost had me married without my knowledge once, cos she liked the babe she met! Whew! *wipes face slowly with handkerchief* No. 13 - Dude must be gay! Or the babe must really be repulsive.

    But having said all that, part of being a bad guy is avoiding trampling on babes' emotions. It is critical to let her down without destroying her self confidence. In fact, I am happy when she starts telling people she dumped me! Anyone asks, I don't argue. Cos I get that it's her way of dealing with rejection.

    Tibsy baby! Lmao @ ur experience. That dude was such a joker!

    All's fair in love and war, though. - Harper

    1. Look who came late to the party. One of the G & H club.
      Did you know Tibs almost joined your club but i managed to convince her that shes better off with us.
      Hehehe Tibs. Read the first line. Proceed with caution. Harper plays hardball.
      Yay at least you agree with me on 13.
      As per 8,smh for you. I hope you marry someone who leaves hair all over your car and bathroom and sink.hehehe.
      ok.i withdraw that.

      So you think Letting her down gently lets you off the hook abi. It doesn't oh. It just cushions it small.

  15. Back from a no man's land journey hehehe
    Back to the topic..........
    I disagree with ALL....a guy who
    means business,will beat all the points you
    listed and will still not take the gal seriously in his heart. A player is a guy who knows how to cover his tracks, d one who doesn't know how to cover his tracks,are the ones ladies know. Just pray you don't meet one,these your rules will disappoint you,because he will give u all of them and at the end u will be askin urself,"WERE DID I GO WRONG"?

    1. Prof! I get your point ehn that the signs aren't foolproof. But i disagree that he can beat all the points. Note that we aren't talking seriousness. Just a guy being into her, you know,just liking her, being attracted to her, respecting her and not fooling around.Basically the men we women love and they don't love us the way we do and we know it,but chose to ignore those tell tale signs.
      Like you know, you call him all week 50 times, he sends you a text friday night 11pm as per booty call things to come hook up and drops you at home 5am. And you don't hear from him till another 2 months has passed.

  16. Okay...I have this very funny ideolgy of life. I believe that we all get into relationships for various reasons, Some for Respect, some for Love, Some for Sex, and some for companionship. If you get all the above in a girl, then you are made. But sadly, if you get only but a few, then you have to hold on to them diligently. whats my point, a couple of times yeah, we meet very nice ladies who put up a charade of affection which are neither skin deep nor sincere.The thing is when a guy gets hooked to these ladies, and after a while begins to see the insincerity in them, i mean he is more or less forced to withdraw. Everyman upon meeting a woman is attracted by a certain trait, ( We can't SEX all day, nor love all day nah) but upon the lady turning off that part of her, the Nigga has no option than to NOT FIND HER AS ATTRACTIVE AS BEFORE. Its painful Yeah, but its that simple. Cheers Funmi. xx

    1. Lol Duru. Its not as clear cut as you make it. Now the guy in your scenario withdrew as a result of discovering insincerity or something in the woman. And that is allowed.
      This post is more about when the feeling isn't mutual and the woman knows she puts in more than the guy and the guy is basically messing up.
      Sure women aren't perfect.Nobody is.And true enough a man may withdraw cos he discovered a character flaw in the woman. Then don't play her.Let her go.

  17. Why blame ladies @Duru?

    True women can be pretentious @ d initial stage n later turn blehhh...

    But i'm one who believes in *soul connection*, and no matter how ur soulmate's xter changes, u just keep loving.

    Besides, changes occur based on d behaviour u too put out. What abt men dt act all gentlemanly @ 1st, and after a while starts commanding authority here n there (can't even take in their own plates after a meal again)?

  18. Why blame ladies @Duru?

    True women can be pretentious @ d initial stage n later turn blehhh...

    But i'm one who believes in *soul connection*, and no matter how ur soulmate's xter changes, u just keep loving.

    Besides, changes occur based on d behaviour u too put out. What abt men dt act all gentlemanly @ 1st, and after a while starts commanding authority here n there (can't even take in their own plates after a meal again)?

  19. My apologies @ My Opinion and Funmi, as I don't intend to sound like a chauvinist. I commemted based on my thoughts and understanding of the subject matter. My line of defence is that if any of either parties begins to loose the seemingly ""likeable or attractive trait"" that once sent the other to the moo, and back in the name of lof nwantintin, then the other party should be a tad justified for letting go. ** In Barrister Funmis Voice, i rest my case...

    P.S: Funmi, thanks to Oscar, I met the lawyer in you... **winks @my Opinion, cheers Bubba.

    1. Duru! Duru! Duru! I will fine you if you apologize again oh.
      What is a blog for if not for different opinions. We agree to disagree now and disagree to agree now.
      My opinion disagreed in the next post "true talk" and I let it be cos she is entitled to her opinion (and that is her name sef).
      Abi I should come and apologize for not agreeing with you in the church post?
      Pls feel free ehn Bros! Jildas boo of life.Always write what you think abeg.