How has your weekend been? Or should i say how was last week?
Chai! Its been almost a week oh.
In short It's exactly a week you saw me last. Make una no vex jare.
I know some people have missed and missed me. But i won't mention their names sha.
Oya!If you are happy to read this post and you know it clap your hands. hehe.
Today we are talking about "NO".
Basically when "NO" is ignored and sex in that situation amounts to rape because of lack of consent.
|LOL.She's taken it personal Pic Source|
As a girl or woman most of us have been in that position where a guy wants to have sex and you say no, some times we mean it, sometimes we say it halfheartedly, and lets talk true sometimes we say No just not to seem easy.
As for guys i am sure they have also been in that position of being said NO to. However the tricky part for a guy is knowing which is which.
There is a very thin line between sex and rape which a lot of people don't seem to recognize.
And in Nigeria (and all over the world sef) some men seem not to realize that No means No.
Some men like to justify it with excuses.
"She wanted it".
"She came to my apartment".
"She removed her bra".
"She was moaning".
"She chopped all my money". Olodo who sent you message.
|Pic Source Ynaija|
It doesn't matter if she came to your house or came to meet you anywhere. That silly guy in This post needs to know that.
It doesn't matter if she slept over.
It doesn't matter if you bought her a Ferrari.
It doesn't matter if she's been chopping your money and denying you access to the promised land.
It doesn't matter if you smooch and give each other head and she's wet.If she still says no at that point,its still NO.
It doesn't matter if she is your girlfriend or your wife.
It doesn't matter if she's prancing stark naked in front of you and driving you crazy with temptation.
It doesn't matter if you are married.
If she says NO,then she did not consent.
If she struggles with you and you eventually overpower her, she did not consent and you raped her.
I dunno whether "struggling" isn't enough reason for any discerning man to back off.
If she wanted it she won't struggle na! (I am not talking about play acting kinda struggle oh)
Someone close to me had that experience in the uni.A guy who liked her took her out and it got too dark for her to get back so they ended up at his place. When it was time to sleep he wanted sex and she said No.
They struggled and he eventually had his way. A part of her knew she had been raped but she didn't want to accept it and because it was someone she knew she struggled with that question,that guilt and shame for a long time.
And they were very excited when I walked in.
"Oya Barrister! Come and resolve this matter".lol.They called to me.
I was a little taken aback sha so I asked "Whathappun"? (blame Vira for that English)
Then they asked me.
"Is it possible for a husband to rape his wife?"
Duh! Yes he can if he forces her to have sex when she says NO.
The policeman among them was happy cos that had been his own argument.
The remaining were surprised and I was quite happy to put them straight.
Lesson one for today, a husband can rape his wife.
I think rape of wives come from that mentality of "I own her,she's my property" and "a wife's body belongs to her husband".
However I dunno where rape of women come from. I just can't fathom it.
In developed countries, a husband who rapes his wife will be prosecuted.
In Nigeria, he should be prosecuted but whether he will be is another matter entirely as our law hasn't specified about marital rape.
My colleague informed me some days ago when we were arguing about it in the office that Ghana has specified when marital rape can be said to have taken place .
The second set of men i was arguing with ( This time my crazy friends) were of the opinion that 90% of women say no when they mean yes and that the behavior of the woman when saying no comes a lot. Basically if she is moaning and removing her clothes by herself then her No means yes.
One was like he dated a babe in Uni and anytime he tried to sleep with her she would say no and yet she kept coming back, he then asked what he was supposed to think other than she wanted it.
Now that argument sounds very logical and straight forward, but you know what my fear is, a man raping a woman and saying he thought she meant yes or he heard what sounded like a moan or she came to his house dressed in a bikini and he took it for acquiescence.
The whole thing seems very shady to me .
I feel its made easier if men take the no to mean no. Then wait for a yes before going on. That way there is no room for he said/she said, i thought/she thought.
Our Nigerian lawmakers could also be a big help in this regard if they chose to.Its good that they have passed a bill to increase punishment for rape.But I feel like the difference between NO and YES hasn't been sufficiently emphasized.
For instance in September, California enacted a new law specifying when no means no and when yes means yes. The law states that sex requires an "affirmative consent" and stating that consent can't be given if someone is asleep or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol.
"Lack of protest or resistance does not mean consent," the law states, "nor does silence mean consent. Affirmative consent must be ongoing throughout a sexual activity and can be revoked at any time."
California's Legislature approved the measure last month, with broad support. Read more here
So lets talk.
Pls let's all contribute. I really want to know what you guys think?
Are there different shades and types of No? Should there be?
Do women have any part in this confusion about "NO".
When a woman starts to enjoy it, has the NO automatically become Yes. Can she still claim rape?
Are the men solely to blame?
Have you had any experience in this regard?