Sunday, 12 October 2014

Cut thy cloth according to thy size

Todays post was written by Naijasinglegirl who has so nicely given me permission to repost.
I read her posts a lot cos I love the way she writes and she is so humorous.
So here is the post.
In her words oh, not mine.

So yeah! I was looking forward to a nice relaxing Saturday! Away from everything… a place where they could pamper me…release some stress, make my feet soft, give me new set of nails and make my face more beautiful. YES! The beauty salon.
When it comes to switching hairdressers, I am fickle to a fault. I’ve never had a regular one because each of them usually leave me dissatisfied. Either Missy Eliot’s image is staring back at me on the mirror when I paid them to make me look like Rihanna’s twin or they are giving me a Bance’s haircut when I asked for Miley Cyrus’s haircut. That’s how incompetent they are.

I wouldn’t blame any of them though. Its all my fault for patronising mediocrity. Whenever I draw up my monthly budget, I tend to leave an embarrassingly meagre amount for hair styling.
One other thing I noticed about these mediocre salons are their terrible hygiene. Its either the hairdresser is trying to wipe my face/neck with one foul smelly towel or she’s releasing her Mangrove Savannah forest armpit in my face! Ewwww.
These hairdressers act like they took a blood oath never to shave their armpits. Or are they trying to rear wild animals there? If they can’t afford a machete to clear that bush, its best they stay off those sleeveless dresses before they choke an innocent customer to death.
I also dread patronising an all girls saloon. Rather than face their duties, they would size up new customers from their feet to their head and your appearance would determine how much effort they put into your hair.
For instance, if Miss A, the younger sister of Linda Ikeji arrives with her Taiwan hair, Prada eyebrows, her gucci eyelashes and LV shoes, and Miss B, the proud ambassador of okrika company arrives at the same time, those asslickers would not only attend to Miss A first but also wash&rinse Miss A’s hair with the best of their shampoos and twenty litres of bottled water while Miss B’s hair would be washed with caustic soda soap and one sachet of pure water.
Again, the most competent of their hairdressers gets to make Miss A hair while the Miss B is allotted to the 14 year old apprentice who barely knows how to weave.
So these and many other reasons were the rationales that had me swearing Enough is Enough when I kept 6k (against the 2k I usually spend for both services) aside to spend on a perm and pedicure at a highbrow salon. A salon where I’d be treated like a princess. A salon where everyone is treated equally irrespective of their yaki flip, Brazilian hair and Nigerian hair.
They all welcomed me with open arms when I arrived that Victoria Island salon last Saturday afternoon.
The place looked really classy. All the big girls that trooped in looked like the hot sun has never touched their tender skin…maybe, except for me.
The salon was large, properly air conditioned with about 12 hairdressers of both sexes.
“Sweetheart, You said you’re here for a perm and pedicure right? Please relax and make yourself comfortable. One of our staff would attend to you in the next ten minutes.” A lady I presumed was their boss addressed me sweetly.
A total stranger just called me sweetheart. This is the good life mehn, I thought.
Shortly after, one other girl brought a pack of juice and a fruit cake for me.
“All these for me? Thank you very much.” I collected and pounced on my snack hungrily.
That was undoubtedly the best cake I’ve had in years. I’m sure you know how sweet free things taste??
One of the guys brought their pedicure bowl or whatever they call that stuff and began massaging my feet in warm water while I moaned in delight. LoL
If this is what they call foreplay, I love it!
Halfway through the prep process, I called one of their attendants and asked how much a perm cost without their relaxer.
“Jesus Christ!” I exclaimed, wriggling my feet from the pedicure guy grip.
She told me my bills would amount to N12000 when they were done. 5k for the perm, 5k for the pedicure and the most shocking part of all, 2k for the snacks.
I just wanted to pee the juice on his face and vomit their stupid cake into the pedicure bowl.
“You guys should have told me when I came in or posted your rates! I didn’t even beg you people for the stupid juice and tasteless cake!” I retorted angrily.
Like I can’t buy gala and la casera in traffic if I really craved snacks!
Good thing they didn’t touch my hair yet. I would have probably been held there to assist in cleaning of the saloon for a week or two.
The madam came to find out what the problem was but I ignored her to save myself the embarrassment. I paid 5K and walked out forever.
So much for the fun day I envisaged…
So that’s how I spent 3k to wash my feet (like I don’t have lux soap at home) and 2k to drink juice at a saloon.
For now, I’m going to be my own hairdresser till I make mad money.
11th Commandment : Thou shall cut thy coat according to thy size.
                                                                  THE END
So that was how Naijasinglegirl spent her 5k at the hair dressing salon oh without even doing any hair. Lol.
That is not what they call foreplay oh. hehehe


  1. Me ehn the first time I do when I go to a new salon is to ask how much oh. I cannot come and wash rollers there if my money to reach. If their prices are on the outrageously expensive side, shame will not allow me to say it is expensive but after that one time,i no go there again oh. One hairdresser cannot come and be using me to build mansion in her

    1. Hahahahahhhahaha. Funny post*

      Lol @hairdresser using u to build mansion.

      Dat was how I went to plait hair that didn't reach 3hrs for 6000k in lag (bought my attachment o). Le boo, couldn't evn bliv it. I jst used strong mind to close eyes n give dt babe dt money (money I budgeted for something else o)

      Since then, from hi gd mrn; i'll ask *how much*? #notimefornonsense# abeg.

      Funmi, hw u dey? Been a while o* xoxo

    2. Imagine. 6k. It is well.
      Thats all I can say.
      I am good. How are you dearie?

  2. Lmfaaaoooo.... nothing good comes cheap o... 2k for juice? the juice better take me to heaven when I'm done sipping it o

    1. Esther!So it's 2k pere you want to take you to heaven.hehe.

  3. Kilode!!!!! Is ist from me they wana build house in Lekki ni?

  4. lmao.....The juss was not free? And they did not ask her?!
    choi, I feel her pain oh.
    so the hair is undone? Hmmm well, she paid for the a/c and the pleasantries sha.

    1. Hehe.The hair remained undone oh. That's the one that pain me pass.
      Yep that AC and the pleasantries was so not free.
      How you dey babe?

  5. www.eniwealth79.blogspot.com13 October 2014 at 17:31

    I laughed so hard, when I first read this post on nsg"s blog and laughed even more as I read through again. C'mon! Those people are not nice. Me, na as dem dey smile, I go dey ask how much would it cost if you were to open all your 32? Before dem tell me say, ''for smiling at you at the entrance and acknowledging us with a smile, we charge 500naira ma'' Ishiro loko dido. #dontlemmesatratsayingbadtinsjare

    1. Lol @ #sayingbadtins. When you don talk am finish.
      No mind all those supposedly tush salons jare. Dem no nice at all at all. it's only money they know.

  6. Lol! This is so hillarious. 2k for juice, was d fruit used in making it from the garden of eden...hehehehe!
    All na packaging sha...d same way kpekere is cheaper than plantain!
    I love your blog tooo much...

    1. I wonder oh. Adam sef ate free fruit in Eden.
      Lol.Na packaging we go chop?
      Plus kpekere, plus plantain chips, all na to chop jare,and we go still shit am.
      Aww. Thanks.i love yours too.